I was in my late forties attending a seminar in Hong Kong when I went through the process of reflecting on my life once again. A certain Christian leader had been invited to lead the seminar that was focused on meditation on the Word of God, taking up various themes as the participants reflected on their lives and experiences.
One of the themes was ‘Deepening Conversion.’ We learned that conversion is not just a one time experience after which we just seek to grow in our faith, but rather that it is essential that our conversion gradually deepen and that our trust in and commitment to the Lord deepen accordingly.
With this perspective in mind, we had time alone to unhurriedly reflect on our lives. Naturally our eyes were drawn to the dark places along the way as we traced our life journey. In those places, the depth of our sinfulness was plainly revealed, and in the time of silence provided, we examined each dark place.
There are several Psalms that recall the history of Israel. Psalm 105 recalls and reflects on how God revealed his grace and faithfulness in the midst of that history. Psalm 106 continues the theme as the Psalmist considers how they did not trust God and turned away from him, confessing each of their sins and meditating on their past failures. Psalm 107 brings the two themes together, God’s grace and faithfulness and our rebellion and lack of faith and is written as an integrated history. When one hears Psalm 107:1 as a word born out of the examination of that history, one feels the reality of both the gravity of Israel’s history and God’s profound grace and faithfulness.
‘Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.’ Psalms 107:1
We, too, are able to confront our own histories and our past sins in the presence of God because the forgiveness of our greatly merciful God is available to us. This certainly is not an issue of what many today are raising their voices about in protest, calling it ‘a sadistic view of history.’ As we are able to see more clearly the reality of the sin in our lives, we feel increasingly the weight of it in our hearts and our repentance deepens. At the same time, God’s mercy and grace take on a greater reality for us and we experience its increasing impact on our lives. This gives us hope to face the future with new hearts.
As I was working through this exercise, a very unexpected thing happened in my heart. My history became more than just my past, and I began to feel the pain of past sins in a new way. This was not because I remembered sins that I had forgotten, but rather it was a new pain I felt as I imagined how the people with me at that time had experienced pain as a result of my sin. This sense of pain emerged from the depths of my heart and overwhelmed me. I was filled with a deep sadness as I realized the implications of what I had done.
I left the conference center and went to a place where I could be alone. I confessed my sins one by one and prayed for the Lord’s mercy. For me, this was truly an experience of deepening my conversion.
Later, when I shared this experience with the leader of the seminar, a man with whom I have had fellowship for many years, he responded to me in the following way. ‘As I have watched you, I knew that this experience was exactly what you needed, but I decided to not speak to you about it but to wait until you experienced it yourself.’
After a time of further sharing together he said to me, ‘If you want me to, I will pray for you. I will pray that you will have a new encounter with the Holy Spirit and be filled with the Holy Spirit.’
I thought about this overnight and decided to ask him to do as he offered. Even though he prayed for me, nothing happened, I didn’t particularly feel anything, but the following verse of scripture that I had read that morning, echoed in my heart. ‘Don’t be afraid. Just believe.’ Mark 5:36
The answer to that prayer came several months later at a different seminar, in a totally unexpected way. Each morning I was leading students in a time of meditation from the gospels, and I had experiences such that it seemed as if the Lord Jesus portrayed in the narratives of the gospel approached me in his living person. Day by day I was overwhelmed with the sense of the presence of the Lord Jesus who is full of grace and truth, his presence was so real to me that I could only sit in the silence and weep.