The young man reconnected with a young woman several months ago. His own growth as a person in the past year opened his eyes to appreciate her in new light. Where previously he had looked at women physically he now appreciated her maturity, her responsible nature and her “smarts”, and feelings developed. As they are in two different countries, conversations took place virtually and over time he found that he was spending more and more time online.
I had been gently advising him to get a grip on himself because he was more and more obsessed, even at one time telling me that he has found himself checking his phone for messages from her every 5 minutes or so. He, of course, wants assurance that his friend reciprocates his feelings but, instead of asking, he was analysing her every action and statement for clues. This can only whet the appetite but will never satisfy because analysis is not knowledge and assumptions are not truth.
Recently I pointed out to him how his relationship with God is suffering and he responded positively, making the effort to reconnect with God and he found a measure of relief and joy in his encounter with him. And then he began wanting more, participating in two or three bible studies in a week, asking to fellowship with his Christian friends, and I was alarmed because he was in the midst of preparing for exams. So when he told me that he had deliberately made his friend so upset that she blocked him, just so he won’t be distracted from his studies, I decided that I should point out what has been happening and give specific advice about what he needs to do to help himself.
The core of his issues is his insecurity over his relationship and I explained my thoughts to him. I told him to stop trying to find out her intentions from her words and actions and ask directly instead if he really needed to know and I asked whether he needed to know now or he chooses to deal with it after his exams. I advised him to stop all the bible studies and focus on his studies but to maintain his personal relationship with God as that will give him stability and balance. And I advised him to block his friend after explaining his need to study.
I apologised to him for my frankness in telling him my thoughts and most of my suggestions as to what he should do I offered as advice rather than directives. He needed the truth straight and I did not beat about the bush, but I did so without judgement or from any superior position.
Yesterday he texted me to say “I’ve been revising for 2 hours straight. Very fruitful. But a long way to go. Thanks again for yesterday’s timely rebuke, to you and to God.”
When I thought about it this morning what came to my mind was him telling me, “I didn’t know what I could do to help myself” (my phrasing).
I have been working on Ephesians 4 and this idea of “truth in love” as something that we need from one another so we can grow to maturity was very much on my mind.
In another recent experience I had decided to open my mouth to talk about how certain people were habitually late for practice and how reminders were also late and therefore ineffective. I had struggled over whether I should voice these concerns and how I should phrase them because I am not the leader. The tipping point for me was when someone, commenting about these behaviours, told me that this was why her sister does not want to participate in service in the church.
And so this morning, as I prayed, I realised that speaking the truth is important for change to take place. I prayed that I would not be trapped in positions and relationships where I cannot speak the truth that is needed. And God reminded me that I should be mindful to speak the truth in love.
It is difficult to tell because truth in love will still hurt someone who does not want to change, and this is often the case. I need to understand, however, that in such cases it is not my problem. If I avoid speaking the truth where it is needed someone will be hurt too because they are trapped in wrong behaviour. We should all learn to encourage one another to speak the truth in love and to thank them when they do. I still remember, though it was a long time ago, that I wrote an honest letter to the leader of an organisation about my observations. He hugged me and thanked me for my “love letter”.
We cannot determine how a person will receive the truth we speak; we only have control over how we speak it and show them the heart it is spoken from.
Perhaps we should speak the truth in love and much prayer.
(If you’re interested in the devotion guide I was working on, click here).